Friends, it is becoming increasingly clear that we have a goaltending situation in Dallas. Our backup has been questionable from the beginning of the season, with that position jockeying between two goaltenders better suited to starting in the AHL. While I adore me some Kari Lehtonen, he looks nothing like the Kari of last season. Lindy admitted earlier this month that Kari has been playing injured, and there doesn’t seem to be enough confidence in our backup position to let him sit and rest.
Rest your pretty heads, darlings, because I have some suggestions for Jim Nill.
Scott Darling Chicago Blackhawks
Reasons we love Darling: His ginger beard. His size. His athletic ability. His backstory. His enthusiasm when Merrin met him in the stands at an AHL game. The fact that he genuinely is just so happy to be playing in the NHL, because of the aforementioned backstory. He’s 5-2-0 in his seven games in the NHL with a save % of .937. Plus, he’d probably be pretty cheap.
Reasons it might not work out: We already have a beard.
Antti Raanta Chicago Blackhawks
Reasons we love Raanta: He is FINNISH. His horizontal movement. His athleticism. His enthusiasm. His save % this season is .945 in eight games played. He’s a precious child. Merrin has never met him, but she’s sure he’s great. Carolyn got to see his first ever NHL shutout and if that isn’t a reason to bring a goalie to Dallas I don’t know what is. (Yes, obviously no one would mind stealing either of the Hawks more-than-serviceable backups.)
Reasons it might not work out: There can be only one Finnish goalie.
Ben Scrivens Edmonton Oilers
Reasons we love Scrivens: Proven that he can take 59 shots in one night and get a shutout. Proven that he can REGULARLY take more than 40 shots a night and still keep his team in the game. Couple that with actual NHL level defense and some more consistent offense and we might have a team. Seems like a good dude. Nickname is The Professor, so clearly he’ll elevate team IQ. Probably can spell “twitter”, “people”, and “banana” correctly on the first try. His wife is a good follow on instagram. His save % with Edm is .893 this year and .916 last season but behind an actual defense in LA he had .931 in 19 games played.
Reasons it might not work out: Might still be in the race for Connor McDavid.
James Reimer Toronto Maple Leafs
Reasons we love Reimer: Needs to leave Toronto for a market that will appreciate him. Needs to give the middle finger to Carlyle. Has a nice face. He has an excellent nickname and I would like to be able to yell OPTIMUS REIMS and actually be cheering for a team I give a shit about. Save percentage behind shitty defense is very respectable. He’s been above .900 in five seasons with the Leafs. THE LEAFS. Is more than just okay. Has the ability to be a #1 if needed.
Reasons it might not work out: Desperately seeking Carlyle’s approval.
Jeff Zatkoff Pittsburgh Penguins
Reasons we love Zatkoff: He would be hella cheap. He played really well for the Pens for a while. Was their go-to when all of them got the mumps. That probably won’t happen in Dallas (we’re cleaner down here). Neither of us have ever met him. He probably misses Joe Vitale and Dallas plays Arizona way more often than the WBS Pens do. His save % in 20 games with the Penguins last season was .912.
Reasons it might not work out: Nobody knows who he is.
Devan Dubnyk Arizona Coyotes
Reasons we love Dubnyk: Edmonton broke him but Arizona is fixing him and he’s probably going to take over the #1 position from Mike Smith if Mike Smith can’t put out his tire fire. Merrin met him once at a game and he is very tall and also hella polite and didn’t say anything about her Oilers phone case, even though Edm had already broken him and thrown him away at the time. His save % this year is .917, which is back up to the excellent save % (never under .900) before Edm tanked and bit the big fucking one.
Reasons it might not work out: Might have PTSD from his time on the Oilers.
Martin Jones Los Angeles Kings
Reasons we love Jones: He’s been touched by the Kings, so is probably pretty good in goal. They’ve won a couple of Stanley Cups, or so I’ve heard. I can’t substantiate because I hate the Kings. I’m asking Carolyn if we know anything else about him. She is shaking her head. I looked at his save % and it is really fucking good, actually: .934 in 19 games last year, and .921 in 8 games this year. Like most of my suggestions so far, he’d be hella cheap.
Reasons it might not work out: He’s on the Kings. Blech.
James Mirtle Globe and Mail
Reasons we love Mirtle: Is rumored to be lanky. Has a good first name. Great attitude. Very witty on twitter. Has a silky smooth speaking voice. Can probably skate, since he’s Canadian. Told me once on twitter that he’d be willing.
Reasons it might not work out: Might try to tweet game updates from the net.
Of these options, Darling is my favorite, both because I love the guy and because we could actually give him a permanent NHL job. Darling might also be the cheapest option, but the most realistic might be Zatkoff or Jones. These are my suggestions, what are yours?