Stars School of Witchcraft and Hockey

It may have come to your attention from how my three-sentence bio mentions Lord of the Rings that I’m a bit of a nerd. Not the number crunching kind, the kind that might actually own their own wand (I don’t, but I do have a replica of the Evenstar that I may or may not be wearing as a type this). I’ve read the Harry Potter series a fair few number of times, and sometimes expend quite a bit of energy thinking about how I’d sort people into houses.

For instance, me? I’m a Ravenclaw. I love to research, love to delve to the depth of a thing to understand, love to be right and legitimately get upset when people are wrong and won’t listen (at length) to why they’re wrong. (You may have guessed that this sometimes makes for insufferable conversations with me.) (You’d be right.) My cohort Carolyn is a Hufflepuff. She is loyal to her friends, trustworthy with secrets shared, and endlessly patient when explaining a stat to me for possibly the hundredth time.

It’s important to note, for those who aren’t as familiar with Harry Potter lore as some of us, that being sorted into one house doesn’t mean that you can’t have characteristics of another house. The idea is simply that the characteristics of the house that you’re sorted into are your defining or driving characteristics.

Naturally, since about 40% of my brain power these days goes to thinking about the Stars (listen, I’d be happy to devote more if someone would actually pay me to do it) I’ve given some thought to how I’d sort the Stars players if I were a sorting hat, and this is what I’ve come up with.

Another note before we begin: I feel, in general, that a lot of players trend toward Gryffindor, just by the nature of the sport, team dynamics, and the fact that it isn’t necessarily for individual glory.


source: wastelingphoenix

Gryffindor:

Jamie Benn – The first time Jamie Benn was brought to my attention, I hadn’t yet given up on the Oilers (the letting go process was not really all that hard, honestly, and I’m a better person for it now), so I was decidedly NOT a Jamie fan when he crosschecked Ryan Jones in a game in Dallas on February 28, 2013. Honestly, even as a Jamie fan now I can’t defend that move, and he very rightly ended up paying a fine for it. But look, how Gryffindor is this? The crosscheck happened because a few minutes prior, Jones collided with Kari Lehtonen and left him shaken up. Jamie left the bench on a line change, skated straight for Jones and crosschecked him in the back, knocking him to the ice. LIVING IN THE MOMENT, BRO. Sticking up for his dudes, making decisions from his moral center, passionate in his defense of his teammates.

Jordie Benn – Idk, it runs in families? But seriously, somewhere there exists a video (that I’ve never been able to find again) where Jordie describes defending against Sidney Crosby for the first time. Where “defending” means “rushing off the ice as quickly as possible so the top defensive pair can get on the ice.” While I think Jordie takes the game seriously there is every indication to believe that he doesn’t take himself terribly seriously. He knows his place and he’s pretty self-deprecating about it.

Vern Fiddler – As evidence, I present this video:

And if I had the ability, a montage of any time he got in some player’s face and refused to back down.

Other team Gryffindors:

Erik Cole
Trevor Daley
Jason Spezza
Ales Hemsky
Travis Moen
Brett Ritchie
Colton Sceviour
Val Nichushkin


source: wastelingphoenix

Hufflepuff:

Tyler Seguin – Look, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Tyler Seguin might be the Huffliest Hufflepuff that ever Huffled. Well, he’s close. He’s loyal to his friends, passionate, open-hearted (to new teammates, new teams, new soul/linemates). He seems to be everybody’s new best friend as they come on board, and yet he also seems to make time for friends from home and former teammates.

Other team Hufflepuffs:

Jason Demers
Jamie Oleksiak


source: wastelingphoenix

Ravenclaw:

Shawn Horcoff – I’m putting Shawn Horcoff here for a couple of reasons. One, the way he talks in post game scrums and the way he’s helped Jamie out in his first year as captain, I hate to use this phrase but man, he’s really a “student of the game.” (I just kicked myself, don’t worry.) Also? He went to Michigan State for four years and actually finished degrees in finance and mathematics (which, seriously, are not chump majors at MSU).

Kari Lehtonen – I’ve talked myself into believing that goalies trend Ravenclaw, and I’ll tell you why: it’s a solitary pursuit. He has to be analytical, independent, and introspective. He definitely participates in the game, but he has to observe a lot of it from a distance.

Other team Ravenclaws:

Anders Lindback

source: wastelingphoenix

Slytherin:

Antoine Roussel – I’m going to take this opportunity to explain that being sorted into Slytherin isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Look at these qualities: ambitious, driven, determined. I’m sorting Roussel here because, like any good pest in the NHL, he’s assertive and ruthless in his pursuit of his goals, be it the puck, a fight, a goal, or idk just being a pest.

Ryan Garbutt – Is in this house for the same reason. In fact, let’s also go ahead and put

Cody Eakin – in here. I know, I know, a ginger in Slytherin? Whatever would the Malfoys say. For all that Eakin is probably a long-lost Weasley cousin, he is part of that pesky third line, and they’ve got a role to fill. While Eaks has spent time on other lines this year (hello first line with Jamie and Segs!) he’s taken this attitude with him up and down the lines.


These are my thoughts (and Carolyn’s thoughts, and some various people on twitter who’s opinions I gathered), what are yours?

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