Tyler’s Like, ‘Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?’

During our cattle call last week for questions from our friends and listeners, we got this gem:

“Explain Tyler Seguin. You have 300 words. Go!”

And look. Carolyn and I are very talented bearded ladies, but counting to 300 during an off the cuff soliloquy isn’t one of the many I possess, and quite frankly we kinda forgot. So! We decided this got its very own post, and here you go.

Tyler Seguin. How do I explain Tyler Seguin? Tyler Seguin is flawless (or, no not really). I hear his hands are insured for $10,000 (probably more, probably millions). I hear he does Rally House commercials. In Dallas. His favorite movie is Varsity Blues (if we had evidence he’s seen this, it would be the best). One time he met Steven Stamkos on a plane, and Stamkos told Seguin that he’s pretty (again, if we had even a crappy cell phone video of this, it would be the literal best). One time he punched me in the face (not really). It was awesome (it would probably hurt). (Listen if Tyler punched me in the face I’d kick him in the balls, so.)

Tyler Seguin would like to meet six drink Jamie. When he was born, his mother cried because she knew she’d never be better than him. He was born for hockey: he has terrible hair and loves lying. Tyler Seguin thinks he would make the perfect American President based on his skill set, dance ability, and bloodlust. Tyler isn’t a stone cold bitch, he’s a natural, beautiful presence. The English language cannot fully capture the complexity of his thoughts. He’s pretty sure he’s perfect the way he is and should never change. All men are at least 30% attracted to him. At any given moment, he’s only thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. He’s just one of us. Prettier. And different. And better. But one of us.

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