I’m sad we’ve already done the Central now. Can I just repost that one? With my final joke on the Oilers tacked on at the end? No?
The hatred for the West that I mentioned last time is pretty skewed toward this division. I’ve made no secret of my distaste for the Kings in specific, so I make no apologies for these musical choices. In fact, here’s a bonus song I’m dedicating to this division (except for you Oilers, but you almost don’t count.):
Anyway. On to the list.
*Order based on points as of 1/22/15
1. Anaheim Ducks – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now by Jefferson Starship
Look I hate it as much as the next Stars fan who lived through that first round series last year, but this is our reality. They’re not uncatchable. The Sharks (who I hate significantly less) are not remotely close, but the Preds are only three points behind them in the league, so that’s something, right? (F the Preds too though, ugh.) I’m depressing myself, let’s just move on.
2. San Jose Sharks – Choke by Bowling For Soup
Bless their hearts, this team cannot catch a break. In the twenty-four years since their inception, they’ve missed the playoffs exactly five times. While those other nineteen seasons include the time in ‘08-’09 when they won the President’s Trophy and the six times they were Division Champs, they have yet to play a Stanley Cup Final game. That’s gotta be tough. (She says, trying not to laugh. California teams, am I right?)
3. Vancouver Canucks – Toxic by Britney Spears
Three times a bridesmaid in the SCF, never a bride. Also voted the most hated team in the NHL until the Bruins rose up like a canker sore and stole the title.
4. Calgary Flames – Go the Distance from the Disney movie Hercules sung by Roger Bart
Who saw the Flames sitting in a playoff spot at this point last year? If you’re saying “almost no one,” you’re probably right. But they’re getting amazing goaltending out of Ducks reject Jonas Hiller and with Jiri Hudler and Johnny “Hockey” Gaudreau having career seasons on offense, they’re actually having that successful year they dreamed about when they traded all of their spare parts in that fire sale a couple of seasons ago. (The Oilers are looking at their seventh season of rebuild and crying about it, tbh.)
5. Los Angeles Kings – American Trash by Innerpartysystem
Look I know only 25% of their roster is American but they play in America. I’m feeling a very real sense of satisfaction that last year’s Cup winners (I pretend it never happened but UGHHH it did) are currently on the outside of a playoff spot. They’re only one point behind the Flames but I hope they never ever ever catch them.
6. Arizona Coyotes – Dust in the Wind by Kansas
According to preseason reports, no one was really expecting much from the Arizona Coyotes this season. They’re happily delivering on that expectation. (They had two of my favorite ex-Oilers on their team until they traded Dubnyk to the Wild. I wouldn’t mind if Sam Gagner led a resurgent rise from the ashes to save this team in the second half of the season (if only because it would mean beating the California teams ahead of them), I just don’t see it happening.)
7. Edmonton Oilers – Sailing Away by Styx
Picture: Oilers oilering all over the ice. Missed shots. Dudes in oil drops just watching the opposition skate around them. A rapid succession of coaches throwing clipboards and yelling at gassed players skating in tired circles. Intense workout sessions where young players lift burdens that are obviously far too heavy for them to lift. Ghostly spirits start appearing around the players, especially the young kids. Some shots go in, some heavy weights are lifted. Not enough, but some. But lo! Suddenly! The spirits are revealed to be tiny gray aliens. They usher the players into their spaceship. Taylor Hall flips a peace sign to Daryl Katz as they all fly away.
And then once the Oilers are gone, the entire Pacific Division drifts off into the ocean, never to be seen again.