Reasons We Should Be On the Texas Stars Yearbook Committee

With the overwhelming number of injuries to the Dallas Stars recently the Bearded Ladies thought it might be handy to become more familiar with the players we’ve got in the system. Of course, we can’t just give you a list with some stats, we’ve got to do it Bearded Ladies style.




Forwards

henderson

Most likely to win a staring contest with Steve Buscemi

Kevin Henderson looks like a particularly angry and weary elf. Like Legolas’ pinched and not-nearly-as-zen older brother. Idk maybe it’s the sharp features. ANYWAY, also on a contract with the Texas Stars, again unlikely to be seen in Dallas. He has played four games in the NHL, with the Nashville Predators, and scored his first (and only) NHL goal against the Blackhawks.


dowling

Most likely to have been involved in at least three failed garage bands

Justin Dowling played his first full season with the Texas Stars in the 13-14 season, where he impressed enough that the Stars signed him to an additional two years. He hasn’t yet been called up to Dallas because of the talent of the people in line ahead of him but he could be one we see in coming seasons as he develops.


troock

Mostly like to be related to the Munsters

Branden Troock has played with the Stars for a hot second so, like, I can make fun of his name right now and that’s about it. (But seriously, is it like took or toque or tro-ock. I need some pronunciation assistance here.) From Edmonton so his fave player growing up was probably Shawn Horcoff.


smith

Most likely to be excited to hear more by Hot New Artist Paul McCartney

Gemel Smith has also been playing for the Stars for a hot second. Also has more PIMs than points, but not by as significant a margin as Valentine. He’s all of 20 years old so we’ll see how this point/PIM situation develops.



glennie

Most likely to have been featured in an Herbal Essences commercial in another country

Scott Glennie looks waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay older than 23. That might have been helpful when he was trying to underage drink but man, the ice has been unkind. Glennie was picked 8th overall by the Stars in 2009 but has apparently been one of those first round draft picks mostly likely be featured in a “where are they now” segment. He has played one NHL game but from the looks of the stats it was less than thrilling. (Nine minutes of ice time, zero shots on goal, two penalty minutes.) He is on a two way so it could still happen again.


root

Most likely to own one or more bow ties sponsored by the Koch brothers

Jesse Root played four years of hockey with Yale. I have no idea what his degree is in, but I bet he’s probably read more books than your average hockey player. This is his first season with the Stars and he’s only signed in Cedar Park.



morin

Most likely to tell you his jersey’s made out of boyfriend material

Travis Morin is a face Dallas fans should recognize. He’s played the ten games he can play without having to clear waivers, and unlikely to be called up again except for emergency situations (these last two call ups to Dallas have been emergency situations) (emergency is what it sounds like, by the way. there are qualifying situations that make it an emergency, and he wasn’t subjected to waivers at the end of the emergency situation). He’s a really solid player at the AHL level and a good asset to the team. He just hasn’t really had the wow factor at the NHL level.


peters

Most likely to have a registered wizard name for himself . . . and his genitalia

Taylor Peters is from a town called Delta. This is interesting for no other reason than I spent a solid 30 minutes trying to understand the Deltas in Carolyn’s article on Thursday. This is his second season with the Stars, though he has spent some time this season with the Idaho Steelheads as well. Given his stats our entire Dallas team would have to be on IR for Peters to get a shot, but who knows. Maybe. (Three points in 32 games, oi.)


rallo

Most likely to tell you you’re listening to the music on your headphones too loud

Greg Rallo is confusing the crap out of me on this roster, he’s supposed to be on the Rampage. I’m so confused by everything. Also, good lord his Panthers roster pic is so much better: look at this cutie pie. Apparently he signed with the Texas Stars in the off season. Unlikely to see him up in Dallas.


stransky

Most likely to refer to the hair under his lower lip as a soupcatcher

Matej Stransky is third in line in penalty minutes after Valentine and Gaunce. He’s scored 11 points so I think we can firmly put him in the “enforcer” category. He’s on a two-way but I doubt he’ll see time in Dallas this year.


faksa

Most likely to retire to the countryside and raise a herd of fainting goats

Radek Faksa is apparently on IR for the rest of the season, so we’re (obviously) unlikely to see any playing time from him in Dallas. He’s probably already recuperating among his herd of goats.



hulak

Most likely to actually be a time traveling caveman

Derek Hulak is playing his first full season with the Stars after being what appears to be a really late addition to the roster last year? I can’t tell. Information is so hard to find. He played five games in the regular season and three playoff games, presumably got a ring for the Calder Cup win? Either way, signed with the Texas Stars for this year, and has been doing well again this season. (He scored two of the goals in the game that Carolyn and I went to earlier this season.)


Defensemen

wren

Most likely to list his favorite movie as Mystery, Alaska

William Wren has perhaps the coolest name on the entire roster. Valentine comes close but doesn’t have the alliteration. Wren’s contract is entirely with Texas Stars so it’s unlikely we’ll see him in Dallas. He is, however, six feet and one inch of prime American beef, born in Anchorage, Alaska.


Dallas Stars Headshots

Most likely to be cast in a History Channel dramatic reenactment of something viking or Civil War related

Jamie Oleksiak is a familiar face up in Dallas by now, and on this blog. You may remember his extreme height from our Jamie Oleksiak standing next to normal sized folk post. His commitment to facial hair leaves something to be desired, sadly.


honka

Most likely to have made pomade with human flesh

Julius Honka is our first round pick from last summer’s draft. He hasn’t yet made his NHL debut (I don’t think??? hockeydb agrees with me and so does Carolyn) but seems to be developing well in the AHL? His penalty minutes indicate he’s either really bad about taking penalties or a bit of a fighter. Given the murder eyes, I’m guessing a fighter. (Carolyn says it’s the penalties though and I find that extremely disappointing.)


meech

Most likely to be that history teacher you had a crush on in high school

Derek Meech is another player whose contract is just with the Texas Stars, so again we’re unlikely to see him up in Dallas. A late round pick in the 2002 Entry Draft, he’s spent most of his career in the Red Wings system then took a brief stint with Winnipeg (a homecoming for this Manitoba boy) and an even briefer stint in the KHL before coming back stateside and signing with Texas in January 2014.


fortunus

Most likely to have a mother obsessed with the tv show Rome

Maxime Fortunus is the captain of this wild ride. He went undrafted and signed with the Houston Aeros (before they became the Iowa Wild) out of the ECHL, then spent some time with the Manitoba Moose (who, let’s face it, win everything for having the most Canadian team name I’ve ever heard) (yes that includes calling yourselves the Canadiens) before signing with Dallas in 2008. He’s not likely to get the call up to Dallas anymore, but he has in the past.


v

Most likely to have his weekends sponsored by Monster Energy Drinks

Scott Valentine has a name I’d like to have on a jersey, but since I know next to nothing about the dude (yet) I’m going to hold off on that. He’s another that’s signed to the Texas Stars and took a super backwards route to get there. He was drafted 166th overall by the Ducks, but it doesn’t seem like he was signed. He went to play in the OHL until 2011, when he was signed by the Predators. He spent all of his time there with their AHL affiliate before being released to free agency at the end of his entry level contract. He signed with the Idaho Steelheads over the summer and got called up to the Texas Stars in November. He’s got. Lord. He’s got four points and 60 PIMs, so I’d say he’s a fighter, not a lover, despite his amorous surname.


gaunce

Most likely to order that 55 gallon vat of lube off amazon thinking it’d save money in the long run

Cameron Gaunce was selected 50th overall by the Colorado Avalanche but honestly I can’t actually tell why. His point production was okay? I guess? For a defenseman? Wow, let me poop on this guy a little more. He’s tied with Valentine for top PIMs this season, so you know. That’s a fun stat to look at. (Seriously though it’s how I currently have the team sorted on hockeydb and it’s kinda making my night.)


Goalies

kiviaho

Most likely to have ice dancing routines saved on his computer

Henrik Kiviaho has played precisely zero games according to any stat sheet I can find? Idk why he’s listed on the roster. But I’ve already made an ice dancing joke so I’m leaving it.


rynnas

Most likely to be a giraffe in disguise

Jussi Rynnas has the longest neck. Literally. That I’ve ever seen. Anyway. Stars fans have seen this in action and I’m sure we’re all much happier keeping him in the AHL, where he seems to do really well, actually. Still likely to get called up in emergencies but unlikely to see a lot of NHL playing time unless something dire happens.


Most likely to say “cool story, bra” and not mean it ironically

Jack Campbell was a first round selection for the Stars in 2010. He made his NHL debut in a 6-3 loss to the Ducks, so clearly that’s going well for us. Currently assigned to the Idaho Steelheads after an incredibly disappointing start to the season (3-10-4).


Admittedly, we follow the Dallas Stars much more closely than their AHL affiliate, but these are our ideas. What are yours?

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