Grinding It In Deep

So I’m relatively new to being a sports fan. I’ve off and on watched basketball, football, and soccer my whole life, but this is generally under duress and usually with a book in my hand, only looking up when the crowd gets excited and everyone starts yelling.

There was really nothing to prepare me for how . . . erotic calling a sport can be. I wasn’t raised on a steady diet of grown men (or women) telling me all about someone’s big, hard body as they crash into another big, hard body and so naturally found myself smirking a lot during game commentary, looking around the room to see if anyone else heard what I just did. I definitely wasn’t prepared for hockey commentary, which has the added bonus of someone’s stick getting caught in someone’s thighs. It seems like it’s just standard operation procedure to talk about pucks squirting out of places, to mention someone’s thick thighs, to talk about a player being “rubbed off” in the corner.

With that in mind, here are some gems to make your inner 12 year old giggle. Context not included.

“Spank it toward the net.”

“Fondling Jamie Benn down there on the boards.”

“He’s big, he’s thick”

“Benn undresses Seabrook a bit”

“we rode their d pretty hard.”

“Plowed by Demers”

“I’m really proud that the guys kept coming and kept pumping.”

“couldn’t penetrate the Vancouver blueline”

“screaming for the backdoor”

“Jonathan Toews doubled teamed in the corner”

“that’s a lot of meat.”

“rubbed him off on the wall”

“If you pick on Brandon Prust, Brandon Prust will always come out on top.”

“They’re gonna ride Bobrovsky”

“Came on my stick.”

“I’ll do some strong work down low.”

“Much more active and aggressive with his stick.”

“Another grinding shift where Chara and Hamilton just couldn’t get off.”

“They’ve ridden their big guys really hard.”

“We have to find a way to get to the dirty areas.”

“Jagr gets a rub on the bench”

“He got nailed there then rubbed off”

“He’s great on the walls. Physically he can handle the big bodies.”

“Toews wants Kane in deep.”

“so good with that body”

“Leddy pounds it in”

“I’m buying that both guys were holding each other.”

“He’ll be bruised after that”

“And here he comes and hammers it in from behind.”

“He waited till he found that hole and put it in.”

These are some of my favorites. Please feel free to share some of yours!


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