5.3.15 SC Playoffs Recap (With a Very Shaky Metaphor)

There was all sorts of action last night, by which I mean I went to see Age of Ultron. I honestly think I would’ve enjoyed the Tampa Bay/Montreal game more, if only because you’re unlikely to see a romantic narrative between tiny super spy Tyler Johnson and Ben “I Got Picked For This Because I’m Tall” Bishop.

Game 1: Lightning v Canadiens

Final score: Bolts 6 – Habs 2

Series: Bolts 2 – Habs 0

Let’s see how far I can drag out this Avengers metaphor before it gets really tired (NO SPOILERS, I promise). Assuming the Lightning are the good guys, as I’ve already set them up to be (and really, Steven Stamkos = Steve Rogers, am I right?), that would make the Canadiens the evil robots. Which I suppose is fitting because Carey Price is supposed to be their pinnacle of goalie evolution.

Anyway, lots had been made about how the Lightning hadn’t been coming together on the power play, much like how the Avengers are always fractured before coming together to defeat their enemy. Even though Jeff Petry got the Habs on the board first, it was Valtteri “Is My Hair Blond Enough To Be Thor?” Filppula who started the scoring for Tampa.

Then Steven “Shoulda Been American” Stamkos breaks his 11 game goalless drought in a big way.

Nikita “Probably Owns a Farm” Kucherov tallies two snipers, including this lovely one that gave the Bolts a 3-1 lead.

In the end, Carey Price had a bad game and the Bolts took supreme advantage of it. Still it didn’t stop Brandon “Hydra Soldier #5” Prust from trying to blame the refs for provoking him, even though he threw his own pads into the Lightning bench.

What We Learned: Even the perfect man cannot overcome the power of teamwork. Oh, and I think we figured out which of the Lightning best embodies Tony Stark’s snark.

Game 2: Blackhawks v Wild

Final Score: Hawks 4 – Wild 1

Series: Hawks 2 – Wild 0

Because I’m an excellent planner, or really just because I got lucky, the movie ended during the 1st period of the Hawks game so I got to see all of the goals. Because they didn’t happen until the 2nd.

The Wild were playing the Wild’s game, which is to say, sucking all the life out of any team they face and forcing them to slow way down.

Still, the Hawks would not be denied their speed game, and Jonny “I Refuse to Lose to a Team With Such a Stupid Name” Toews scores a beautiful shorthanded goal as the Hawks are able to get a burst of speed on their Penalty Kill.

It’s a goal Dubnyk probably wants back because it rebounds off the end of his stick and into the net.

Of course, anything Toews can do Kaner can do better, and that includes both scoring and celebrating.

Matt Dumba gets the Wild on the board early in the 3rd, which puts some life back into the game, but fortunately for the Hawks, Teuvo “Hold Me Closer” Teravainen was having himself a game and make a lovely play to get the puck to Patrick “Hottest Dad” Sharp for him to restore the 2 goal lead.

Worryingly, Corey Crawford took a puck to the mask and appeared very dazed. Did the Hawks pull him for medical testing? OF COURSE NOT. WHY WOULD YOU POSSIBLY EVER DO THAT???? The bright side is that his racist mask depicting a Native American headdress was dented so badly it’s now out of commission after just a few games. Forgive my hippy shit, but sometimes, the universe rights wrongs.

What We Learned: I never thought I would say this, but this was a beautiful empty net goal.

Game 3: Flames v Ducks

Final Score: Flames 0 – Ducks 3

Series: Flames 0 – Ducks 2

Listen, after last game, no one really expected the Flames to be the winners in this series, but they definitely earned a gold star for trying last night. In game 1, the Ducks went up 3-0 in the first period. This game looked like it would be the same, as the Ducks completely dominated possession. Still, Karri “Why Use One R When You Could Use Two” Ramo was outstanding and only let in this one goal through the first two periods.

Anyway, the Flames kept us hanging on, because they were only down by one, until their poor defense left Ramo out to dry again, and Hampus “Causing a Rumpus” Lindholm was able to just snap one through a wide open shooting lane past the Flames goalie who was probably screened by his own D.

That goal really dampened the Flames spirits, and when they pulled Ramo for the extra attacker, they let in a regular-not-beautiful empty net goal almost immediately.

What We Learned: This is probably going to be a depressing sweep of everyone’s favorite underdogs, but at least we’re still all united in one thing – Corey Perry is the worst.


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