Said one fan girl to another fan girl, “Man, I love his puck possession AND his face.” (Spoilers, that fan girl was me.) (I might have been talking about Jamie Benn.)
As the “I’m in this for the fun and the jokes and the occasional rant” side of 2BL, when the subject of graphing the attractiveness of our players came up (we might have been drinking but honestly probably not) I jumped all over the chance to bust out my colored pens. Fake graphs about hot men? I’M ALL OVER THIS LIKE . . . SOMETHING ON SOMETHING ELSE.
Then I sat down to look at exactly how to frame this, and ended up assigning metrics anyway. Hey! Actual stats ftw! (Subjective stats in categories I’ve only recently made up, I’m like an actual statistician now.)
But How Do You Measure This Even
We first identified four types of hockey player: the Hot Dad, the Lumberjack, the European Royalty, and the Self Aware Boyband Member. After that, it was a simple matter of ascribing characteristics to each group and assigning point values based on those characteristics.
After that began the arduous task of researching our top six forwards to find out how to accurately ascribe these points. My life is hard, I know.
Hot Dad points:
The kids bit is pretty easy to count. Benn, Hemsky, Nichushkin, and Seguin are all without children (that we know of). A big 0 out of 10 for all of them in that category. Spezza and Sharp both have two daughters. My cursory google search yielded zero pics of Spezza’s kids but Sharp’s girls love the camera:
The next part of Hot Dad is far more subjective, obviously. You’re welcome to tell me why you disagree with them if you so choose. Good hair, in my mind mind, means regularly groomed and generally has product applied. I ranked Jamie a lot higher than some of you probably would, but LOOK AT THIS HAIR.
Sorry, that hair is amazing.
Ales Hemsky has some beautiful wavy locks that he generally keeps in good shape.
Patrick Sharp has himself some wild hair at times. (Every time I think about Patrick Sharp’s hair I hear Daily Grace saying, “that hair says ‘I don’t know how to do it, but I do know how to do it to you . . . sexy.’”
Look I know it’s been done up for a photo shoot, but COME. ON.
Photographer: Anthony Tahlier
And because there isn’t room to post a pic of everyone in every category, trust me when I say that while Spezza’s hair is thinning, it is the epitome of dad hair. It might actually TRANSCEND dad hair now that it’s thinning. And Val and Seguin . . . have hair. It’s not their finest attribute.
This category was put together with an entirely different Benn brother in mind, and no one in the top six particularly shines here. Jamie and Val rank highest for their bulk. Because they’ve got it.
There’s a reason he’s sometimes called a wrecking ball, and it isn’t because he’s dainty.
And Val. Well.
Yeah bud, we know.
Tyler is not without his bulk (though he’s just not as big around or tall as some others), but he can grow a magnificent beard when he feels like it, which is the other way to get points as a Lumberjack.
It isn’t enormous but it’s very well groomed.
Hemsky isn’t particularly bulky and has a blonde and kinda patchy beard. Sharp grows a GREAT beard during the playoffs, (here’s hoping we give him cause this season) but keeps clean shaven the rest of the season, which loses him some points. Spezza gets points for height and girth but he’s far too lanky and is generally clean shaven.
I’ll be honest, in my mind this category also stands for “replicant” and/or “member of the Unseelie Court.” We basically picked it to give John Klingbae a place to shine, but since this is top six forwards and not our d-men, this is also Hemsky’s place to shine.
The second metric is European, which is an easy ten points as a yes or no. Val and Hemsky both started with a base ten.
The first metric? Well. I thought about my favorite Europeans and their adorable faces, and basically decided cheekbones were going to be my arbitrary measurement of royalty. Who has excellent cheekbones? Patrick Sharp does.
Hemsky’s cheekbones are good but they’re not QUITE as good, which is why he only gets 9 out of 10.
Val’s are . . . okay. They’re not his strongest quality, for sure.
Everyone else gets points for, you know, having cheekbones. Good job, guys.
Self Aware Boyband Member:
At first, we had a category called “whatever Jamie is” that really meant someone who is both bulky and soft-spoken, lots of tattoos but doesn’t necessarily like being photographed shirtless. WELL. He apparently has gotten over whatever hang up that was, plus we needed a spot for his bro Tyler. Thus, we have this category.
The first metric: tattoos. Here we’re looking for both presence and number. Tyler and Jamie both get more points than Val for having full sleeves. (Tyler breaks this category, honestly.) But Val represents:
And some pics of Jamie and Tyler’s tattoos, because they’re such a hardship to look upon:
Hemsky and Spezza both scored a goose egg on this category because I’m pretty sure they don’t have tattoos? And I can’t find any pics of them shirtless that are outside of a locker room.
Jamie’s gotten shirtless more on his instagram:
And it’s pretty well known that Tyler Seguin is allergic to shirts.
But there’s also Patrick Sharp:
And thank goodness for him.
Where Does All This Leave Us
With these point totals, where I actually did count the number of squares for each total, but where some of the points given were entirely subjective:
If you like a good bar graph.
Or, if this kind of graph is more your thing:
I decided Hot Dad and Self Aware Boyband Member are clearly at odds with each other, and European Royalty and Lumberjack are also opposing aesthetics. Is anyone surprised at all to see Jamie and Tyler land so closely together?
But What Does It Meeeeeeean
Primarily, it means I have too much time on my hands and a healthy appreciation for the male form. Also, my google game is pretty strong. What’s your take away? That’s up to you. But hey! Bottom six forwards coming up next!