Said one fan girl to another fan girl, “Man, I love his puck possession AND his face.” (Spoilers, that fan girl was me.) (I might have been talking about Jamie Benn.)
Said the other fan girl back to me, “I frickin’ know, right!?” (That fan girl was my friend Steph.) (She was talking about Curtis McKenzie.)*
Last week I introduced you to 2BL’s metric for measuring the hotness aesthetic of hockey players and took a look at how the Stars’ top six forwards measured up. (Top six here, since there was some confusion on twitter, does not mean in looks. I’m talking about roster position. Clearly Patrick Eaves would be top 4 in a hotness roster, y’all.)
But How Do You Measure This Even
A reminder, this is our metric:
And we’re looking at the bottom, but it’s also summer so we’ve got some extra names on our roster, for a total of seven: Cody Eakin, Patrick Eaves, Vern Fiddler, Curtis McKenzie, Brett Ritchie, Antoine Roussel, and Colton Sceviour.**
On to the breakdowns!
Again, the dad thing is pretty easy to count. They’ve got ‘em or the don’t, and right now our bottom six only has two dads: Eaves and Fiddler.
Google yielded this for Fidds, which is pretty much the cutest:
Solid 10 out of 10 to Fidds for those two.
Patrick Eaves has one daughter that I can find:
So it would be 5 out of 10 stars, but he’s just sooooo cuuuuuute I’m gonna give him 7. (I live for unilateral decisions about things that don’t really matter.)
For the more subjective half of Hot Dad, Merrin tosses points at good hair styles. Fidds gets points for always keeping it short and neat and generally looking like he knows what he’s doing with it. Roussel gets point for this as well. It’s never going to stop traffic, but it’s always nice.
Cody Eakin has had his hair issues. For a while it was this:
But then thank goodness someone held him down and got him this hair cut:
And like. Thank God, is all I’m saying. I’m giving him 10 points for sheer relief but also because this style is actually, like, a style. And not just something he slicks back with whatever glue-like substance is handy. (Side eyeing you pretty hard, Benns.)
Muckbae also has a really nice flow when he takes care of it:
When he takes care of it. (This is post game and kinda unfair but I’ve only got a few pics to work with here.)
For some reason, even though he’s a very pulchritudinous Patrick, there just aren’t a lot of pictures of this dude on the internet. I have really old hair:
Which I’m mostly using as an illustration to show you that he’s still got this hair cut:
With a few deviations in the middle that I’m not even going to link here because they make me cry. (Think 2012 Jamie Benn.)
BRBR and Scevs get points for having hair that doesn’t offend my eyes.
Not a lot of great beards among the bottom six, unfortunately. No one keeps one regularly, although Eaves keeps a decent amount of scruff around all the time. (Just scroll up a tick.)
The beardiest I can find him is during a playoff run with the Red Wings:
Please for all that’s good and right in the world let’s get him back in a deep run. <praying hands emoji>
Muckbae grows horrible facial hair. Trust me. Or don’t, just look at this:
I kind of want to cry. Maybe when all of his hair follicles mature??? <praying hands emoji again but for reals this time>
I can’t find any evidence that Eakin, Fidds, Rous, or Scevs have ever grown beards of any kind. Fidds sometimes neglects shaving and once sported the WORST mustache since Tom Selleck, but that doesn’t count.
Vern Fiddler lacks in beard pictures but makes up in bulk:
I mean, Petrovic basically checks himself, but Fidds helped.
I was looking up pics of Roussel to convince myself he wasn’t that bulky, but I got mesmerized by the way his arms fill out this tshirt and I’m done.
Listen, BRBR’s nickname is Mutant and despite evidence to the contrary I’m pretty sure it isn’t because his genes were crossed with a grizzly bear’s. (I put a lot of thought into that sentence.) (It got away from me.)
That’s him towering over McKenzie and Horcoff (MISS YOU HORCS) on the Muck Line last year (may it rest in peace).
Muckbae would like to get points for this, but sadly he is basically the living embodiment of short man syndrome, as you can see in this fucking delightful gif set. Outweighed and sometimes outclassed, rarely out-scrapped.
I’m currently kicking myself for not having a square jaw metric, because Scevs would have that on lock. He’s just not that bulky yet. Maybe it’ll come with more age? Eaves and Eakin are also not particularly bulky, so they get few points in this category.
Well. Since there’s only one European in the bottom six we’re heading straight into cheekbones. And let’s start with the European, eh?
Like, they’re basically perfect. I don’t even know.
I’m sharing this one as a favor to you, go ahead and save it for a reaction gif. It’s perfect. So are his cheekbones.
Scevs’ cheekbones aren’t quite as pronounced, but he’s got a lot of good things going on in his face:
Actually, based on roster photos alone, cheekbone game is pretty strong at the bottom of our roster.
Some day Vern Fiddler will be nothing but cheekbones. His skull will be so sharp it’ll cut the future archaeologists that dig him up.
Self Aware Boyband Member
Okay we’re gonna start with Cody Eakin because I have this picture up. But like.
I know I said in the previous one that it shouldn’t be hockey related shirtlessness, but the only other pic I can find is this one:
And that’s nightmare inducing. He also has some leg tattoos and some bitchin’ Birkenstocks.
Scevs also has himself some ink:
Which has only gotten more filled out:
Sadly, I can find precisely ZERO pictures of him shirtless.
And that’s it, you guys. No one else even blips the radar, though if you have evidence that anyone else has tattoos or has taken shirtless pics, please send them my way. I need them for science!
Where Does All This Leave Us
Please ignore the Patrick Eaves blip on the top of the Self Aware Boyband bar. I got confused and really really REALLY did not feel like remaking the whole thing. Whoops.
But What Does It Meeeeeeeeeean
Honestly what it seems to mean to me is that I’ve got an underserved aesthetic. There might be a fourth article about major major junior hockey, or players who might still be feeling the effects of puberty.
Also also y’all, finding all the very scientific evidence I needed for the bottom six was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Or, probably just as hard as I thought it was going to be.
And finally, apologies to Travis Moen (whoever he is).
*this conversation never actually happened, but it could have
**“But Merrin,” you say, “what about Travis Moen?” “Are you sure he’s on this team?” I ask in return. “Like, really sure?”