Said one fan girl to another fan girl, “Man, I love his puck possession AND his face.” (Spoilers, that fan girl was me.) (I might have been talking about Jamie Benn.)
Said the other fan girl back to me, “I frickin’ know, right!?” (That fan girl was my friend Steph.) (She was talking about Curtis McKenzie.)
And then CAROLYN burst in and yelled, “BUT WHAT ABOUT JORDIE BENN.”
Well Carolyn, I’m so glad you asked.
But How Do You Measure This Even
Again, this is the metric we’re using:
Today we’re looking at NINE players, seven defensemen and two goalies. You’re welcome for all this exhaustive research.
And now it’s time for a breakdown.
Well let’s get this out of the way, unless my google-fu is completely failing me there are precisely no children in this group, so everyone starts out at a deficit. They’ll have to rely on their HAIR. Since they’re hockey players, this could be disastrous.
Or not. Jordie Benn has had some unfortunate hair cuts but man, he and Jamie must be going to the same barber. Jason’s hair can sometimes look a little unkempt (last year’s roster photo, for instance) but it’s been looking great recently, as you can see in this snap from the Stars’ snapchat.
Okay but like. When I talk about dad hair, Patrik Nemeth pretty much has the epitome of what I’m thinking about.
this is the source but like, good luck understanding it.
Right? Like. Vaguely salt and pepper-y, short and not really requiring a lot of bother. (Side note, did you know his eyes were so soulful and brown because I sure did not.) (This just in: Merrin has a type.)
And okay. I have not been tracking Johnny Oduya’s hair through the years, but just a quick google is doing good things for me.
I’m going to throw Kari a bone here for, you know, having hair.
He’s trying a style, even if that style looks like that mid 2000s swoop that got caught sideways in a wind tunnel. I like that he’s trying.
The more unfortunate hairstyles in this group:
Jyrki never really seems to know what to do with this mop he’s got. In 99% of the pictures I can find online, he’s wearing a hat to forgo having to make styling decisions. This is what it looks like when he isn’t wearing a helmet. It’s. Fine? I guess? It’s hair? Covers his head? It basically looks like he gets it cut by his mom or maybe Supercuts when it gets long enough to get under his shirt and that’s about it.
Goligoski is going bald. Which is kinda a dad thing to do except he doesn’t seem to have any children.
And Antti Niemi?
Well. Bless his heart.
Or how I’m thinking about it in my head: LUMBERJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK
So I’m going to use this whole section to talk about Jordie Benn and if you want some other kind of content you can just . . . skip to the next section. This aesthetic was MADE for Jordie Benn.
The ability to grow a decent beard? It’s not like we didn’t do an entire post about this on New Year’s Eve. Jordie Benn, for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, has decided he’s gonna rock a beard. And he rocks it. He rocks it good.
photo courtesy of @maryrehak
It looks like a ginger cotton ball and I’d really like to touch it. Or take a nap on it, I’m really not sure.
Okay this is for his beard AND his arm muscles, his biceps are ridiculous.
Even Jamie is impressed:
Look there’s one thing the Benn brothers aren’t and that thing is small.
I’m going to finish this segment up with my pièce de résistance:
Literal lumberjack. I rest my case.
Everyone else gets some points idk you’ll see on the graph.
Okay, so we’ve got three Swedish defensemen, two Finnish goalies, one Finnish defenseman, and a partridge in a pear tree. This group is SICK with Scandinavians. (What do you call a group of Scandinavians?) (A sick.) (No, not really.) Goligoski, Jordie, and Jason get zero points for being from the US and Canada, respectively.
As for cheekbones? To be honest, when I thought up this category I was mostly thinking of Swedish Prince of the Seelie Court, John Klingberg. (Or he’s a replicant, I mean take your pick.)
Either way, his cheekbones could kill a man, except this precious cinnamon roll never would.
(Jamie Benn is like the bonus nougat inside the sweet cinnamon bar that Klingberg is presenting in this picture.)
Finding a picture of Nemeth smiling is actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, but I eventually found this one:
I mean they’re no Klingberg cheekbones, but they’re certainly happening.
Beef Jyrki makes a strong showing, as does Kari. Antti Niemi has a face like an apple pie (what’s a Finnish dessert delicacy?) but, you know, his skull isn’t caving in so cheekbones exist. Good job!
Oduya though. Oduuuuuuya.
photo courtesy of @maryrehak
That doesn’t even show his cheekbones off well I just wanted to post it.
Sorry about the logo but LOOK AT HIS CHEEKBONES.
On the American/Canadian side, Goligoski has a pretty sharp angled face, which just means that he has some pretty cutting cheekbones.
I’m kind of impressed, actually.
Jordie and Jason tend to disguise theirs with beard but they’ve definitely got good ones.
Such Europeans! Many cheekbones!
Self Aware Boyband Member
Okay but like. Take whatever you thought I was going to talk about and consider this instead.
I think he might get extra points for this. No tattoos that I know of, sadly, but C’MON. HE’S GOT CORNROWS.
Speaking of shirtless, Johnny Oduya’s abs would like to say hello.
Goligoski is shirtless in appropriate places, like boats.
Although I see no evidence of tattoos.
Jordie Benn is also shirtless in appropriate places, like pools.
And is working on the same sleeve his brother is, but on the opposite arm. Because apparently they’re really into the bookends idea. (Both Carolyn and Merrin are also really into this idea.)
Honorable mention to Jason Demers’ pink suit:
Which isn’t part of the metric but which you’d totally find on a boyband member.
And that’s it? I can’t find any evidence that Nemeth, Jokipakka, Niemi, and Lehtonen have ever been shirtless outside of a locker room. Or that’s slightly a lie. Jokipakka has naked shoulders in a couple of selfies on instagram but the Self Aware Boyband Member would proudly show off that whole torso.
Where Does All This Leave Us
The expected graphs.
Please ignore the extra black spot on the key, I can’t count. It’s a problem. Also I’m pretty sure this graph is a ton more colorful than the other graphs, thanks to all our European Royalty.
But What Does It Meeeeeeeeeean
I’m laughing at Oduya’s plot point. He landed sooooo close to the middle and it’s basically because he’s just universally hot. In the event he one day has children he’ll need to also get himself some tattoos so he doesn’t end up skewing more towards Hot Dad, but honestly I wouldn’t even be mad about that. Oduya’s just hot.
Next up: Merrin attempts to get everyone on the same scatter plot graph thingy whatever that’s called. Should be fun!
ETA: We have since discovered thanks to this article that Kari has a child, so thanks for nothing google. Changes the graphs a bit but since the metric is “more than one child” it won’t be by much.
*this conversation never actually happened, but it could have.