To Boldly Go Where No Prediction Post Has Gone Before

HOCKEY IS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Like many slightly more legit hockey news sources, the Ladies have some bold predictions for the coming season.

Jack Eichel and Connor McDavid run away together.

Two teams, both alike in dignity,
In fair North America where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new rivalry,
Where dirty dangles make pretty goals unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two bros,
A pair of starcross’d frenemies take their flight;
Whose media-frenzied adversarial overthrows,
Do with their escape bury their countries’ strife.
The contentious passage of their competitive narrative,
And the continuance of their coaches’ rage,
Which but their generational talents’ flight nought could remove,
Is now the 82 game traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
what here shall miss our predictions shall strive to mend.

Jordie Benn shaves and gets way worse at possession.

Turns out he’s been hiding the puck in his beard.

After the Penguins make the playoffs, Steve Simmonds receives an anonymous gift.

It’s a subscription to a “Hot Dog of the Month” club.

hot dogs
Subscriptions come with a gift card to the hot dog stand closest to your own apartment.

Carey Price Finally Loses His Cool

Carey Price is basically the Cinderella of the NHL. He toils endlessly for the Canadiens, under the strict supervision of step-coach Therrien, when all he really wants to do is triple low-five his prince. Expect this to be the season when he finally throws off his mask, steals his fairy godmother’s wand and threatens to turn everyone into mice until they actually start playing defense.

“And furthermore,” he’ll say, gesturing wildly with the wand, “Why isn’t PK Captain?”

Tyler Seguin goes a whole month without saying something questionable on twitter.

We would make this joke about Jamie Benn, but let’s be real, we know that won’t happen. (He only tweets once a month, and it is always questionable.)

The Panthers don’t make the playoffs, but Jagr ‘s mullet does

I don’t know how this happens, but if there is any justice in the world, it will happen.

Joe Thornton scores four goals in one game.

You know what comes next.

cock of the walk
“It’s been so long since he petted me,” Joe Thornton’s pet rooster crows mournfully.

When the Stars make the playoffs Nill’s master goalie plan is finally revealed.

Jack Campbell catches the first bus up to Dallas from Austin. Kari and Niemi meet him at the bus stop.

“It’s time,” Niemi says.

Kari just grins.

Everyone, even their teammates are confused when all three goalies take warm ups during Game 1.

“Let’s show ’em some Goalie Megazord power!” Lehtonen shouts.

Like this, but with goalie pads and six arms.
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