Allegedly, a game was played last night up in Dallas. I say allegedly because I was not a first hand witness, as I should have been, both because I’ve been sick and because of Hurricane Patricia dumping half the Pacific Ocean on all of Texas. But heeeey, at least my tickets sold fairly quickly.
This alleged game began with a warm up featuring the Stars roster as tulips for their annual Hockey Fights Cancer Night:
Bekki Nill, wife of Jim Nill, who is currently undergoing treatment for cancer, dropped the puck before the game.
Also please feel free to watch that The Franchise video, because it features Julie Dobbs interviewing Bekki Nill and telling her what an inspiration she’s been and it gave us a lot of feelings.
NOW ABOUT THE GAME.
Legend for first timers:
CF% is Corsi For %, or a measure of possession using all attempted shots
CF% Rel shows how that player did in CF% compared to the team without them
FA/60 is unblocked shots (Fenwick) against per 60 minutes – a measure of defense
iSC/60 is individual scoring chances, aka shots from more dangerous areas of the ice, per 60 minutes
All numbers are 5v5 and score adjusted from war-on-ice.com
So like. We lost in possession? Sorta? A little bit? But we had more shots on goal and we were playing their backup, so I don’t know if I’d count that curse as well and truly broken.
It all started so well, right? Game starts. Less than two minutes in Alex Petrovic goes off for delay of game. About EIGHT SECONDS into that penalty, Klingberg sets Tyler Seguin up for a hard shot from the point that ends up going in off Jamie Benn’s skate blade.
That was the last time all game that I would feel joy.
Shawn Thornton gets called on an extremely questionable interference call. So questionable that three seconds into the power play, the refs call Jason Spezza for an even more questionable interference call. (Can you hear Carolyn hissing “all reffing regresses to a mean?”) Jason Spezza goes on to have an incredibly terrible night, so I’m not sure if he got infected with the spirit of someone awful in there or what.
Jaromir Jagr (your name needs more Js, As, and Rs) scores his 6th of the year, because the Stars hate holding onto leads sometimes. Also because Jaromir Jagr. Carolyn wasn’t that sad about this.
No gif of the goal would you show you the complete defensive breakdown that led to this scoring chance, but Klingberg just lets scoring legend, Jaromir Jagr, breeze straight past him, for reasons unknown to god or man. Goligoski tries to sacrifice the body by throwing himself down in Jagr’s path, but it was already too late.
I didn’t graph this, but Val gets a breakaway with Jamie Oleksiak at some point in the first and . . . passes to Oleksiak instead of taking a shot himself. Oleksiak got a shot off but I have no idea why Val didn’t do it himself.
Patrick Sharp had a flurry of RIDICULOUSLY GOOD CHANCES right in front of the net but unfortunately, you know, Montoya. At this point, I question whether or not it’s cheating for Al Montoya to use his wizard skills to set up a Sharp-specific force field on his own net. (Fun thing to do, picture Hagrid saying, “yer a wizard, Al.”)
With six minutes to go in the period, Nick Bjugstad scores from the top of the zone on a long shot. (You know who was trying to defend against him? Klingberg. He did not have a good period.) Shades from last season, Kari had all the time in the world to position himself, all the eyeballs in the world on this puck because literally no one was screening him, and he didn’t have it. I don’t like shades of last season’s Kari. I don’t mind losing, because I know we can’t go 81-1-0 for the season, but I don’t need the reminders of how terrible last season was.
DOOM AND GLOOM, THY NAME IS MERRIN.
And off we go into intermission.
You guys, Huberdeau is a good hockey player. I don’t like to pay attention to the Panthers all that often, but his pass on the goal that ended Kari’s night was actually really pretty.
What a jerk.
He creates the space, Calder-thief Aaron Ekblad puts it away for a 3-1 lead and Ruffles pulls Kari. Lots and lots of people felt sorry for Kari about this one, but I’m the asshole that didn’t. Kari had some REALLY rough games last year and this year’s Kari was starting to look exactly like last year’s Kari. No one wants last year Kari back, even for a night. Better to nip that in the bud and let him sit out, because we actually have, you know, a #1 backup. If only that had made any difference.
We started winning possession for a bit in the 2nd, which is a place I’m always scared for us to go. Do other teams feel this nervous about playing well or is this just a Stars thing now?
Roussel got into another fight with someone both bigger and taller than he is.
Adorably, 7.4% of the voters on hockey fights called this a win for Roussel. So, you know, at least some Stars fans are voting on that site.
Anyway, idk some other stuff happened and then DAVE BOLLAND scored on us after a stupid turnover IN OUR ZONE. Klingberg was, again, right in front of this one. Kulikov (you might remember him as the one who took Seguin out at the knees last season) throws it on net and Bolland cuts right in front of Niemi to tip it in.
They reviewed because Bolland’s stick seemed kinda high, but of course nothing good happens for Stars fans on goal reviews, so it counted.
You know. Why not.
I’ll be truly honest with you, I didn’t watch much of this period. Making this graph was super hard, because my notes for it look like this:
When I can’t even get excited about Jamie Benn scoring, you know the game is bad. SO. Instead of me actually talking about how bad we were in the third, how about instead I give you a list.
Things we did in the second and third period instead of watching the game:
- Watched Sam Gagner’s shootout goal, which was glorious.
- Read aloud from this list:
- Took this color quiz which everyone says is so scary accurate for them but which didn’t really know me at all.
- Read about these two stars (actual stars not hockey players) that are locked in a kiss of death:
- Talked about Alexander Hamilton
- Checked all the other scores
- Checked our fantasy scores
- Talked about the Leafs FIFTY-TWO SHOTS ON GOAL and SUBSEQUENT LOSS TO THE HABS because CAREY PRICE.
- LAUGHED AT THE DUCKS. LOSING. AGAIN.