Spoiler alert: this recap is going to be completely devoid of any semblance of chill.
YOU GUYS WE WONNNNN AGAINST THE DUCKS. WINNING MEANS MORE AGAINST THE DUCKS. EVEN THESE DUCKS WHO CAN’T SEEM TO BUY A WIN AT WAL-MART. WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE THE WORST, THAT’S WHY. BECAUSE COREY PERRY SHOULD NEVER FEEL JOY.
Here’s your Carolyn-provided game chart:
All numbers are 5v5, score adjusted. The Stars ended the game with 54% CF, which is IMPRESSIVE considering they were significantly outpossessed in the first (33%) and second (39%).
Okay well FIRST OFF we’re playing the Ducks so that means another round of Merrin and Carolyn’s favorite game: #CoreyPerryFacts. Please find a collection of my favorites at the bottom of this post because people were ON FIRE tonight. But here’s a single one in preview:
These would be not nearly as much fun if the game had ended the way the first period did, BUT I GET AHEAD OF MYSELF.
Around a minute and a half into this game, Chris Stewart comes off Anaheim’s bench and makes straight for Jamie Oleksiak. Why Stewart, who is five inches shorter and thirty pounds lighter than Oleksiak, went STRAIGHT FOR HIM, I do not know. My best guess is he accidentally got the wrong Jamie.
Please note Oleksiak’s reach and the fact that the only jab Stewart gets on him is after the officials get involved. BECAUSE THE DUCKS ARE FRICKIN TERRIBLE.
12% of voters call this a draw but I’m pretty sure they all live in California. (4% say that Stewart won but I’m pretty sure they’re all his teammates. And his mom.)
I watched this game at Carolyn’s house and every two minutes one of us would remind the other that we just . . . REALLY hate the Ducks. The next thing that happened to remind us of this fact was Jackman basically riding . . . Eakin? I think? all the way down the zone from the blue line. Which is cool because it was called for interference. Because it was interference.
Sadly, our power play wasn’t TERRIBLE, but it didn’t result in a goal. This game did continue to just be the CHIPPIEST. Roussel got all up in Kesler’s face after a whistle which I always laugh at because Kesler hardly ever fights anyone.
AND THEN. FRIENDS. THEN THE TERRIBLE THINGS START HAPPENING.
Fiddler gets called on a hi-sticking against Jiri Sekac. I didn’t see it because I was probably tweeting a #CoreyPerryFact at the time, but whatever. It probably was. The problem with this is that a minute into the power play, the Stars fail to clear it, Fowler (who is not on any of my fantasy teams this year and who I am free to loathe) sets up Santorelli for a shot from the point.
HONESTLY SOMETHING NIEMI WOULD HAVE HAD EXCEPT.
IT GOT DEFLECTED OFF OF JORDIE BENN.
Because seriously, when we talk about snake-bit defensemen, JORDIE BENN HAS THE WORST GODDAMN LUCK IN FRONT OF HIS OWN NET. He’s in position! He’s doing exactly what he should be doing! He sacrificed the body (or at the very least the knees) on the play in an effort to keep the puck out! And yet!
The second goal was just fucking terrible.
If you’ll take a look at the top of this gif, you’ll see why Oleksiak is going on my shit list for a while. Sharp has his guy, pressured him enough that he didn’t get a shot off, but Oleksiak . . . stayed with him? To pressure the guy two on one? Oleksiak checks whoever that is as he’s passing and leaves Horcoff room to build a goddamn house in front of the net. Sharp slides across the lane in front of him in a last ditch effort and that is TWO, TWO sliding Stars players. You don’t want to see sliding players. Sliding players means everything has gone wrong, friends.
Here’s a still:
That’s Horcoff in the top left corner, clearing his own land for the mansion he’s about to build.
UGH. (This, also, is the point at which I start to lose whatever chill I ever had. Fourteen seconds later it leaves entirely and I am left a shaking rage-filled mass.)
Why 14 seconds later? Because that’s when this happened.
THEY WERE STILL ANNOUNCING HORCOFF’S GOAL. Goligoski turned the puck over behind the goal line and then, just, no one could get it together. Listen, turnovers in our own goddamn zone are going to be the thing that kills us this season if we can’t figure out how to JUST NOT, because it led to THREE GOALS IN FIVE MINUTES for a team that had scored SIX TOTAL in their PREVIOUS SEVEN.
I have no idea what happened the remaining 50 seconds of this period because I was in Carolyn’s room screaming so I didn’t freak out her roommate. I might have freaked out Carolyn. I don’t know. You guys, I just get so mad. SO MAD. I think Lindy Ruff can probably relate.
And THEN. THANKFULLY. IT WAS INTERMISSION.
You can see already that better things happened here. Stupid things happened too but that’s what happens when you play the Ducks.
Jamie Benn gets called for hooking which. Okay, fine. He did have his stick up in Bieksa’s business. Not what you wanna do when you’re THREE DOWN TO START THE SECOND, but I don’t play professional sports, what do I know.
Klingberg gets HACKED by someone at the top of the zone (I honestly cannot for the life of me remember who) but that’s only a penalty when the Stars do it, so nothing gets called. Thankfully, someone IS paying attention when Silfverberg trips Goligoski, so we get a power play that PATRICK SHARP FRICKIN SCORES ON IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT EVER IT BROKE MY GRAPH.
Five hole ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
And then it was revealed while replaying the goal about six million times that Patrick Sharp’s dad is in town, which means that his dad is never allowed to leave because he’s clearly the key to Sharp scoring.
Sharp did not go on to score 17 more as we requested, but that’s okay. I’ll allow it tonight.
There was a big ol’ scrum near the Ducks bench when Jamie checked . . . a Duck at the whistle. The play was offsides but laaaate whistle for offsides and Jamie was already in the middle of his check. WELL. A lot of Ducks took offense to the check, and a LOT of Stars took offense to them taking offense. When everything shook out, Jamie ended up in the box for roughing on Korbinian Holzer (I only put that here because WOW what a name) but whateeeever, we killed that penalty just fine.
With Sharp in the box for a tripping penalty, Jamie breaks out with Eakin and Jordie and, I don’t even know. I don’t think the Ducks really realized what was happening, because I can’t think of any other reason that literally no one would follow them down. (Okay, two Ducks followed them out of the zone.) But like, there are five Ducks on the ice, and on the PENALTY KILL, the Stars end up with a 3 on 2. I’m not entirely sure why Jordie Benn doesn’t get credited with a helper here, but I’ve written it on my heart, so we’re fine. Eakin assisted by Benns.
I almost don’t even want to talk about the game tying goal. I want to wait here while all of you go watch the game footage, because Jamie and Tyler put on a CLINIC. Right off the face off, Jamie gets possession behind the net and hands it off to Tyler, who takes it around the corner, loses TWO DUDES who were covering him, and sets up Klingberg who’d gotten RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE NET because Andersen was (understandably) concentrating on the dynamic duo.
I don’t want to say Andersen didn’t even know he was there, but I kinda wonder.
AND WE’RE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED. MY HEART FINALLY STOPS POUNDING RAGE THROUGH MY BODY. ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. And we basically start the third as if no game had been played at all.
What happened in the third was a lot of goddamn nail biting. Like, it was all fun and games, right? We’d come back from 3-0 to tie it and all we needed to do was keep them from scoring and hopefully score ourselves and hopefully do that in regulation so the Ducks get zero points.
Our possession this period was ridiculous. How ridiculous? The Ducks had two shots. Two. The whole period. One near the beginning, and one at the end, after they pull Andersen. TWO SHOTS ON GOAL.
Why play a regular ol’ hockey game when we can CRUSH THEIR SPIRITS INSTEAD.
Listen, let’s skip ahead to the important part, which is that with 90 seconds left to go in the game, Fiddler steals a stretch pass from . . . some Duck to Perry. He carries it all the way to the goal, gets a shot off, doesn’t score, but Roussel follows him down, picks up the rebound, and PUTS THE STARS AHEAD WITH 1:28 LEFT TO GO IN THE GAME.
Boudreau made a face about it.
Boudreau made a lot of faces.
AND WE WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN. I asked for a soul crushing number of goals against prior to, and it would have been kind of hilarious if we’d managed to shut them out for what would have been the sixth time in nine games. (SIX TIMES IN NINE GAMES OMFG.) But how much MORE soul crushing is it to let them experience joy in the first period, to let them think they got this, their curse is over, and then just DESTROY them in the second and spend the third grinding them into tiny husks of their former selves? IT IS SO MUCH MORE SOUL CRUSHING. HOW FRICKIN DELIGHTFUL.