You may or may not have heard rumblings in the twitter verse Saturday night (well, the Stars portion of it anyway). The Dallas Stars Foundation did its fellow fans a solid and sponsored a calendar that was just released this weekend, at the game that neither Carolyn nor Merrin could go to. Luckily, we had a friend going to the game who hooked us up and in true #2BL fashion, we’ve got some thoughts.
If you were not able to pick your calendar up on Saturday night, they are also available online on the Dallas Stars Foundation’s website. (They ship internationally!!)
Without further ado, let’s take this month by month, shall we? (There have been no hi-res scans that I can find so I just took pics of the pics with my iphone, I apologize in advance for the quality.)
M: I personally appreciate the fact that Jordie Benn’s bow tie is undone. You know. For reasons.
C: I also appreciate that Jason appears to be a big fan of Rodin. Got to love a man with culture.
M: I feel like he’s one second away from giggling though. Jordie looks like he could hold that face all day but Jason’s definitely about to laugh.
C: Oh entirely. How many times do you think the photographer had to be like “If you two don’t settle down, you’re going into timeout. Don’t make me count to three.”
M: At least ninety billion. It’s probably why they’re both looking away from the camera and each other.
C: I hope they at least bought him a six pack as an apology.
M: We’re only on the first month. This is only gonna get worse before it gets better, and we’ve already got them buying the photographer a six pack. They’re going to owe him a BREWERY by December.
M: EXCUSE ME SIR. WHAT IS THAT BEARD.
C: I DEMAND A WARNING NEXT TIME.
M: THE COVER IS KIND OF A WARNING, NO?
C: NO. IT IS NOT. THIS IS LIKE ASSUMING THAT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE COFFEE AT MCDONALDS IS HOT. LIKE, YOU KNOW IT IS, BUT THEN YOU SIP IT AND IT’S MOUTH-SEARINGLY HOT. EXTRA WARNING REQUIRED.
M: I WANT TO MAKE A JOKE WITH THAT. LIKE. JOHNNY ODUYA CAN SEAR MY MOUTH ANYTIME? BUT NOW I FEEL WEIRD HAVING TYPED IT.
C: Let’s move on to next month then.
M: Okay but like. Does this or does this not look like an engagement photo.
C: Oh, entirely. You could shrink it down and like, make it a Save The Date fridge magnet.
M: Precisely. I think I’ve got this fridge magnet RIGHT NOW. I also appreciate that Kari is holding a puck, and it’s the only hockey related item in the entire calendar.
C: SPOILERS, Merrin, we’re only in March. But yes. Anyway, Carolyn SHALL be attending, I’ll have the overcooked filet, please.
M: Merrin SHALL ALSO be attending. Can I be the ringbearer?? I can use a hollow puck to put the rings in. On a nice victory green pillow. (And I’ll have the chicken.)
C: I’m renewing my campaign to get Fiddler on the cover of a romance novel.
M: He’s definitely someone’s boss or like the slightly jaded single dad.
C: Billionaire who’s never had time for love until he meets OUR HEROINE.
M: With the stubble and the eye crinkles I could also see him as one of the secret spy military ones too. Where he’s protecting the HEROINE from, idk, the group of dudes trying to kill her I DON’T READ ENOUGH OF THESE.
C: FIDDLER ON THE CASE
M: OMG YES.
M: This is the one I was the MOST unprepared for.
C: I’m pretty sure my entire reaction was yelling “JUST SHUT UP” at the calendar.
M: I need him to cover his wrists, he’s giving me vapors. It’s just too much skin.
C: With his wrists and his cheekbones and that devastating cut to his jacket.
M: That jacket is amazing and I want it in my closet.
C: Among other things? Now I’ve made it awkward.
M: We’ll take turns. It’ll be fun.
M: I like his suit? Coat? Thing? But I mostly just want to shave his face.
C: Young Valeri is at the age when they think they should experiment with different styles of facial hair, when in fact, they definitely should not.
M: Ugh, so true. Soooo true. But if you cover the bottom half of his face he looks pretty good.
C: His eyes stare soulfully into the camera.
M: They’re romance novel eyes, he just needs to get the rest of his face in order.
C: First, can I just say that I appreciate so much that KBae is on my birth month?
M: Since we share a birth month, you may indeed.
C: Second, may I just say that he still remains other-worldly.
M: Listen, I think there’s one thing that all of us can agree on, and that’s that KBae is not born of a human. He was either created by man or born to the fae, and my decision on which varies from picture to picture.
C: Replicant or Elf Prince, you decide.
M: (With this lighting, I’m feeling replicant today.)
M: Okay so like. I said this when I first looked at this picture, Eakin has the hot middle school teacher vibe that you had a crush on before you truly understood what crushes were.
C: “Oh, hey Mr. Eakin, can you explain the FOIL method to me one more time? I don’t quite get question #3”
M: “Oh, hey Mr. Eakin, you said we could do some extra credit in class? I was wondering if you could tell me about it. After school.”
C: OH GOD and then you’d run into him at the grocery store with your mom on a Sunday and it would be the MOST AWKWARD because she’d be like trying to talk to him about school and you’re like, refusing to acknowledge that you have an actual family.
M: Middle School Merrin hides awkwardly in the frozen foods section while her mom talks to her teacher on the cereal aisle. Coming to an after school special near you.
C: “Sweetie don’t forget to pick up some tampons! Get the multi-pack because we don’t know how heavy your flow is yet!”
M: Did your mom do that to you, because mine would NEVER.
C: Not that EXACT thing, but definitely similar conversations, yes. Middle School Carolyn was the HEIGHT of awkward. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to hear that Mr. Eakin, who teaches Algebra 1 and 2.
M: Yeah bye Mr. Eakin, I’ll see you never. I’m quitting school to join the circus to get over this embarrassment.
C: This photo is so ~confusing~ to me. He’s so covered up except for that one little flash of ankle.
M: The ankle is literally the first thing I noticed. This calendar makes me feel so Victorian. First Roussel’s wrists, now Spezza’s ankle. Someone get me my fainting couch and my smelling salts.
C: In true Spezza fashion, he’s very clearly trying not to giggle through this whole process.
M: It’s funny to me the guys they got to be serious and the . . . wait that’s a spoiler. HANG ON TILL DECEMBER.
C: IT’S WORTH IT I PROMISE.
M: And then there’s this a-hole. With his thighs.
C: This smug bastard. Who gave him the right. To smirk at me like that. Like he knows what I’m thinking.
M: If he thinks I’m thinking about his hands and the fact that his hair looks like it was feathered by the fingers of fat baby angels, then he’s right.
C: I bet he took one shot. Just plopped himself in the chair, threw his shoulders back and said “go”. Nailed it. First try.
M: Since his post-playing career is clearly as a catalogue model, that wouldn’t surprise me.
C: Screw this guy. Goddamn you, Patrick Sharp.
M: I’m secretly glad I don’t have to deal with both Patricks in this calendar. I don’t think I could handle it. The two prettiest Patricks IN ONE GO.
C: There would be riots in the streets.
M: Looting. People fighting over the last drops of clean water to wet their dry tongues with.
C: Mass hysteria.
M: Ending in my death. So let’s move on.
M: Clearly on his way to make someone’s parents super nervous. He’s got this “out on a first date” vibe.
C: Leather jacket. Check. Smoulder. Check. OBSCENE MANSPREADING. Check.
M: Perfect beard. Check. Just needs to throw in a motorcycle and he’s every mom’s worst nightmare.
C: Grease 3?
C: Make it happen, Hollywood.
M: Jamie’s already got the slicked back greaser hair to be his sidekick.
C: Fiddler could be the grumpy track coach.
M: OH MY GOD. That’s perfect.
M: I think we all know that I’m emotionally compromised by this month. I’m grateful they left it to the last but I’m also. Just. Capslocking internally. AND EXTERNALLY.
C: The real question is how did they get him to smile so big. JAMIE NEVER SMILES FOR THE CAMERA.
M: YES OKAY THIS IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SPEZZA. NO ONE ELSE IS SMILING IN THEIR PICS. False, Fiddler is smiling. And Kari is smirking through his engagement photo. But like. Jamie is most comfortable not making any facial expression at all, and yet HERE HE IS SMILING. AND IT’S LIKE. NOT HIS FORCED FOR THE CAMERA SMILE. So now I need to know how they made it happen. Where’s my behind the scenes video, Dallas Stars Foundation?
C: My bet is that Tyler tried to recreate his own famous photoshoot so Jamie could see how ridiculous it really was.
M: Do you mean with the rubber duck and/or the zamboni? That famous photoshoot?
C: That is the one.
M: Can we talk about Jamie’s vibe here for a minute. Because Fidds is the cover of a romance novel and Eakin’s a middle school teacher but Jamie Benn looks like the prince of some tiny country. Like Genovia. Julie Andrews is his grandmother and this is the photo that will appear on the postage stamp. DOESN’T HE LOOK LOVELY.
C: I would trust him to rule my tiny country whose largest export is pears.
M: Same. Obviously. I would emigrate in a hot second.
Bonus Benn Brothers
The prince and his older brother, who abdicated the throne for true love. Or something.