We’re Going Down, I’m Yelling #Dumbmers

In case you’ve been under a rock all afternoon and missed it, Jamie Benn had another twitter “whoopsie.” In the immortal action of hasty people with twitter accounts, he deleted right away but Jamie, the internet is forever, and screencapping exists, you sweet summer child.

Twitter being twitter (especially twitter during the offseason when the only other interesting thing is legitimate sex offenders getting their contracts renewed), the jokes came rolling in. This is by no means a comprehensive list of all of the TRULY AMAZING jokes that flew by on my twitter timeline, but it is a representation of my very favorites.

Read More »

4.8.15 – Stars vs Ducks Game Recap (Stars Be Clippin’ Bird Wings)

WE WONNNNNNNN. Look I know we’re eliminated from the playoffs and these wins don’t do us any good in the standings but FRICK Y’ALL I would rather see them go out with a bang than a whimper.


Yeah I’m gonna stop using euphemisms for sex now. I was so prepared for vitriol and hate for the Ducks and their stupid faces and their stupid jerseys and their stupid win/domination of possession/shots on goal (look I always prepare for the worst, I’m terrible) that I literally don’t know what to write about now that we’ve won.


But first, a chart.

4.8 Stars vs ANA Corsi_ZSO

Numbers from waronice.com, 5v5, score adjusted. Please notice, if you will, Ryan “Please Don’t Trade Me” Garbutt at the top, along with Trevor “I’m Only Here Because the Ducks Weren’t Trying” Daley. John Klingberg a surprising second to last, but when all of the Stars were this dominant in possession, it’s forgiven.

Also, Merrin Eye Test: the Ducks really, really weren’t trying. They weren’t trying so hard that by the end of the game, the N B C BROADCAST WAS TALKING MORE ABOUT THE STARS. AND. YOU KNOW. GETTING THEIR NAMES RIGHT.

It was a banner evening all around.Read More »

The Style and Essence of a True Bro

It’s no secret to anyone who has watched hockey for any length of time (including, like one day) that a staggering majority of these boys are—how should I put it—flow challenged? This quote comes from the subject of this article but could be styling advice from literally anyone in the NHL:

“How about hair products? What do you use to get that perfect flow?”

“I mix it up a lot. Gels, hair spray, whatever it takes to make it look greasy and slicked back.”


*gags* A later article will take a broader look some of the hits and misses on the entire Stars roster, but with this first flow article I wanted to go in depth on my favorite flow in the NHL: Jamie Benn.

(Now come on, are you surprised?)

This retrospective will hit highs and what Merrin considers to just be just slightly lower highs.

We start strong:


18-year-old Jamie Benn with the Kelowna Rockets kept it short and neat.Read More »

Podcast Episode 3 – 1.20.15 (The Bonus One!)

This episode we provide hot takes on Tyler Seguin vs the Boston Media, Jamie Benn’s recent play, why we think hockey players are kind of dumb sometimes, and Carolyn gets long-winded about hitting. You know, the usual.

Extras from the Podcast:

Normal-ish Story on Tyler Seguin and the Great Boston Break Up

The “I Don’t Need Him Anymore (But I Do Miss His Abs)” Story

The “How DARE He Look That Good Without Me, I’m Over It I Swear, Why Am I Crying” Story

Update: I looked it up, and Brent Seabrook’s contract is currently 5 mil through next season, and Phaneuf is 8mil currently, going down to 7mil over the next three years

Update 2: Have some charts that show that hitting doesn’t correlate with possession (and possession is the only stat so far that correlates with winning). CF% in these charts is all skating situations, score adjusted. 2013-14 is the best graph as that was a full season. 12-13 only had 48 games, current season has 46-47 for most teams.

Hits v CF 12-13 Hits v CF 13-14 Hits v CF 14-15

Other Extras You Should Read

High Heels, High Sticks is running a great series that’s filling NHL teams’ needs with women. What do you think of their suggestion for the Stars?

Last Night’s Game Chart

So grain of salt here, Cole went out early in the game and the 2nd line had to be filled by someone else, mostly Horcoff, though I believe Seguin took a few shifts with them. Also, as we know, these numbers are 5v5, and we had a lot of (ineffective) PP time. Not to mention, while the Stars’s final possession number ended up at 56%, we were actually losing the 5v5 battle through the second period. Numbers from war-on-ice.com.

1.20 Stars vs BOS Corsi_ZSO

Don’t Worry Kids, Daddy & Daddy Aren’t Getting A Divorce

But they probably should spend some time apart.

In practice Wednesday, Ruff had split Benn and Seguin up: Benn on a line with Eakin and Ritchie, and Seguin centering the other Pitbulls. While Ruff was characteristically taciturn about his reasoning, he said he wanted the option to split them up in games for a period, and that he thought a change could be good for them.

I agree. But probably not for the reason you’re thinking.

Tyler has been having an unbelievable season, still leading the NHL in goals (tied currently with Nash) with a 31% increase in Goals per 60, and a 17% increase in shots. Jamie, on the other hand, has had a sharp drop in scoring this year, going from 1.4 G/60 down to just 0.8. His assists have gone up, and his shots down, leading people to believe that because Tyler has been so hot this year, Jamie is passing first and just not shooting.

This is true, but only part of the story.Read More »

’14: The Year of Benn – A Look Back at the Highs and Lows

Why shouldn’t my first piece on our new blog be entirely about Jamie Benn? After all, in my small corner of the internet, I’m rather well known for being unable to carry on a conversation that doesn’t involve him somehow, even when the conversation is about something else entirely. (Side note: I’ve been asked by several people if I could go 24 hours without talking about Jamie Benn. I still haven’t tried, but I probably could? Why would I want to, is the question.)

The Dallas Stars declared this year to be the #YearOfTheBenn

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images North America

Do you get it?

Do you get it now?

And because it’s the #YearOfTheBenn, that means there must be a year end review, right? *crickets chirp* Excellent, let’s get started.


Highlight: After being snubbed by Team Canada’s Olympic training camp, Jamie played his way into a coveted spot on Team Canada’s roster. Ahead, by the way, of veteran Martin St. Louis, who ended up going anyway when Stamkos hadn’t recovered from his broken leg in time.

Lowlight: Jamie elbowed Matt Cooke in the head. He wasn’t, and shouldn’t have been, suspended for the offense, but it’s still a move no one wants to see, especially from a captain. While many Stars fans (myself obviously included) love to see Jamie Hulk out and use his big body like a wrecking ball on the debris of the opposition, he needs to exercise more caution in doing so. [1]



Highlight: Jamie won gold with Team Canada! After bouncing up and down the lines, Jamie found a sweet spot with the Anaheim Ducks’ Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. He scored two goals in the tournament, both game-winners, including the lone goal in a harrowing 1-0 win over Team USA. [2]

Brian Casella/Chicago Tribune

Lowlight: Idk, he scored the lone goal on Team USA? *waves American flag*
Phil Noble/Reuters



Highlight: In an emotional game following Rich Peverley’s collapse on the bench, Jamie scored in overtime to carry the Stars past the Blues.

Lowlight: Yes, this is a Jamie Benn list, but can anyone pick anything but Rich Peverley? The aftershocks of that game echoed up and down the roster, and many looked to the captain for a way to move forward.



Highlight: Leaving it till the 11th hour, the Stars clinched the playoffs for the first time in Jamie’s pro career (and in his first year as captain!) in a shutout game against the Blues.

Lowlight: Stars didn’t make it out of the first round. While they took the Ducks further than many expected, a full six games, the Ducks scored in overtime to carry themselves into the second round. (A round of “can both these teams lose” against the Kings. Unfortunately, neither the Honda Center nor the Staples Center were struck by falling space debris, and the Kings beat the Ducks in who-cares-number-of-games.)

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images North America



Highlight: Slow month for news not regarding the ongoing playoffs, but multiple Stars media outlets gave Jamie glowing reviews for his first year as captain. [3] [4] [5]

Lowlight: No more hockey. (Because the Blackhawks were jinxed by several key cursed media outlets, the Kings beat them in overtime in game seven. I was watching the game on Gamecenter Live and twitter simultaneously. The beauty of this set up? I was spoiled for the OT goal and never had to watch it. Therefore: it never happened.)



Highlight: Jamie named First Team All Star by the NHL, first time ever for him, first time ever for any Star to be named to the first team. [6] [7]

Lowlight: Still no hockey. Kings won the Cup. (I had to go on the Kings website to find out what day this happened, I hope you appreciate my sacrifices.)



Highlight: For at least the second year in a row, Jamie Benn (along with other local to Victoria NHL stars) coached at the Ryan O’Byrne Charity Hockey Camp. My feelings for Jamie Benn are well documented, so I don’t mind saying that he looked hella fly coaching these tiny hockey players. [8] [9] [10]

Bruce Stotesbury/Times Colonist

Lowlight: I couldn’t even remember what hockey looked like.



Highlight: Jamie Benn answered Tyler Seguin’s Ice Bucket Challenge: [in fine fashion] and revealed a new tattoo sleeve and a pretty nicely defined torso. Also revealed: a nice new haircut. Yes, the summer of 2014 was also the summer of a Benn Makeover. Idk, maybe it gave him a sense of control in a world full of chaos.


Lowlight: The ice bucket challenge was released while I was at my sister’s house babysitting my infant nephew, and all of my squealing had to be internal. It was painful, y’all.



Highlight: Preseason was kind of a bust for Jamie (though the Stars as a whole did well) so I’m going with Jamie playing sled hockey with Team USA, Tyler Seguin, and children from the MS Society. Jamie contributed to a worthy cause, had fun, looked adorable. The internet doesn’t want me to embed this, so have a link instead.

Lowlight: Jamie Benn revealed that he’d rather be staked to a fire ant hill than ride a rollercoaster. Not much of a lowlight, but I’m unimpressed all the same.



Highlight: Jamie went on a five game goal streak, 10/14-10/24 (October His Jersey Number to October His Brother’s Jersey Number; Sidney Crosby isn’t the only one with a weird number thing, apparently). It was his longest goal streak since February, which was also a five game streak. Honorable mention goes to the Dude Perfect video, where Jamie and Tyler revealed that their trick shots are kind of amazing. And also that they’re giant dorks, but we already knew that.

Lowlight: Stars start the season 4-4-2, which was underwhelming after all the preseason hype.



Highlights: Jamie had a big first period, scoring twice and assisting once against the Kings on 11/22 to lead the Stars to a 5-4 victory. While the third period collapsed almost entirely (if this were a Stars review, the third period collapse this season would be lowlight number one on anyone’s list), the Kings weren’t able to overcome Jamie Benn’s (notice I didn’t say the Stars) early lead.

Lowlights: Jamie went streaking again, 11 game goal drought that didn’t end until November 16.



Highlight: Still in the making, but man last night’s game has to be high on the list, right? It was ugly in goal and sometimes on defense, but for once Jamie’s line had good possession numbers AND we still won the game. (Granted, in an eight round shootout, but STILL.) Jamie had a goal and an assist and generally beasted like he does when he’s pissed about his team losing. But, like, safe beasting and not potentially injurious beasting, which is always appreciated.

Lowlight: Yet another goal drought, this time for 9 games. I’d like him to stop those. As this rather unimpressive season continues, there’ve been rumblings of whether Jamie is a fit captain for the Stars, and I’d kindly like to tell all of those people to gtfo.


End of year report:


Jamie started the year strong with a gold medal and a trip to the playoffs and while this season has been less impressive, we’re still only halfway through. Instead of the Olympics this year, we have an All Star Weekend to look forward to (your daily reminder to vote for Jamie to represent the Stars at the 2015 All Star Game!). (Reminder that in 2012, Jamie won the target shooting challenge.) The playoffs still FEEL like a long way off, but we’ve played more than a third of our games and are still 7 points out of a playoff spot. Maybe Jamie likes being an underdog, and maybe part of the problem is that he isn’t anymore. Whatever it is, I live in hope that next spring is as impressive as last spring was.