Let’s just say he’s pretty excellent at manipulating his own facial features. If you’ve watched any video of Tyler Seguin at all, you’ve probably noticed that he’s one of the more expressive faces in the NHL today. If you haven’t noticed that, well. I don’t know what to do with you.
Why this post then? Face appreciation, partly. (Listen, we appreciate his face.) But we’re mostly in this for reaction gifs, for those times in a twitter conversation when you’re beyond speech, and only Tyler’s face will really do. We provide this example:
One of roomie's friends says she dislikes avacodos because they are "crunchy and bitter." Girl…I don't know what you ate, but…
This episode we provide hot takes on Tyler Seguin vs the Boston Media, Jamie Benn’s recent play, why we think hockey players are kind of dumb sometimes, and Carolyn gets long-winded about hitting. You know, the usual.
Update: I looked it up, and Brent Seabrook’s contract is currently 5 mil through next season, and Phaneuf is 8mil currently, going down to 7mil over the next three years
Update 2: Have some charts that show that hitting doesn’t correlate with possession (and possession is the only stat so far that correlates with winning). CF% in these charts is all skating situations, score adjusted. 2013-14 is the best graph as that was a full season. 12-13 only had 48 games, current season has 46-47 for most teams.
So grain of salt here, Cole went out early in the game and the 2nd line had to be filled by someone else, mostly Horcoff, though I believe Seguin took a few shifts with them. Also, as we know, these numbers are 5v5, and we had a lot of (ineffective) PP time. Not to mention, while the Stars’s final possession number ended up at 56%, we were actually losing the 5v5 battle through the second period. Numbers from war-on-ice.com.
During our cattle call last week for questions from our friends and listeners, we got this gem:
“Explain Tyler Seguin. You have 300 words. Go!”
And look. Carolyn and I are very talented bearded ladies, but counting to 300 during an off the cuff soliloquy isn’t one of the many I possess, and quite frankly we kinda forgot. So! We decided this got its very own post, and here you go.
Tyler Seguin. How do I explain Tyler Seguin? Tyler Seguin is flawless (or, no not really). I hear his hands are insured for $10,000 (probably more, probably millions). I hear he does Rally House commercials. In Dallas. His favorite movie is Varsity Blues (if we had evidence he’s seen this, it would be the best). One time he met Steven Stamkos on a plane, and Stamkos told Seguin that he’s pretty (again, if we had even a crappy cell phone video of this, it would be the literal best). One time he punched me in the face (not really). It was awesome (it would probably hurt). (Listen if Tyler punched me in the face I’d kick him in the balls, so.)
Tyler Seguin would like to meet six drink Jamie. When he was born, his mother cried because she knew she’d never be better than him. He was born for hockey: he has terrible hair and loves lying. Tyler Seguin thinks he would make the perfect American President based on his skill set, dance ability, and bloodlust. Tyler isn’t a stone cold bitch, he’s a natural, beautiful presence. The English language cannot fully capture the complexity of his thoughts. He’s pretty sure he’s perfect the way he is and should never change. All men are at least 30% attracted to him. At any given moment, he’s only thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. He’s just one of us. Prettier. And different. And better. But one of us.
In practice Wednesday, Ruff had split Benn and Seguin up: Benn on a line with Eakin and Ritchie, and Seguin centering the other Pitbulls. While Ruff was characteristically taciturn about his reasoning, he said he wanted the option to split them up in games for a period, and that he thought a change could be good for them.
I agree. But probably not for the reason you’re thinking.
Tyler has been having an unbelievable season, still leading the NHL in goals (tied currently with Nash) with a 31% increase in Goals per 60, and a 17% increase in shots. Jamie, on the other hand, has had a sharp drop in scoring this year, going from 1.4 G/60 down to just 0.8. His assists have gone up, and his shots down, leading people to believe that because Tyler has been so hot this year, Jamie is passing first and just not shooting.
It’s been a year and a half since Tyler Seguin came to Dallas to save our ailing offense. As a transplanted Texan my ownself, I’ve given a lot of thought to assimilating to the culture down here. Texas is definitely its own land. What truly makes someone a Texan? Is it correctly incorporating the word y’all into a sentence? Wearing your barn boots to a Wal-mart? Having your own regular order at Whataburger?
Tyler Seguin has had some hits and misses in his first years in Texas, so let’s take a closer look each of those, shall we?
Tyler purchased Mike Modano’s sprawling house north of downtown [thanks to jehnt for the fact check]. Nothing says Texan like paying Dallas property taxes. 
When Tyler first moved to Dallas, he lived in a furnished apartment in the same building as Jamie Benn. What did his apartment come furnished with? This deer head. While the deer head itself doesn’t make him Texan (since it came with the apartment, he can’t really take credit) but he has told a story about chasing his dog around the apartment with the deer head, and that’s pretty freakin’ Texan of him.
While still in Boston, Tyler became friends with a lot of the young guys on the Patriots. No word on what they think of this photo: but we’re pretty amused by it.
He’s said he’s a fair weather Cowboys fan, and continues to be a Pats fan, so this could almost go in the miss column. We’ll keep it here for now.
Story about Merrin time: I lived with a friend for the past year in the spare bedroom of her dad’s house. When I moved out, he gave me a hug and said “should the apocalypse come, you can always come back. We’ve got guns and we’re ready.” True story, y’all, this man is kinda amazing. I’m not saying Tyler’s quite there yet, but he does apparently know how to handle a rifle.
Okay, so he doesn’t own a cowboy hat, but we have proof positive that he looks pretty good in one. (Though, if you’re inclined in the Seguin direction, he pretty much looks good in a sack cloth, so this isn’t really much of a point.) 
In the season end scrum last year, Tyler self reported that he’s incorporated “y’all” and “fixin’ to” into his vocabulary. This is almost in the “unsure of” column, but we’ll give Tyler the benefit of the doubt until we get proof otherwise. 
Asked about his 1st season here, Seguin says he's incorporated "y'all" and "fixin' to" in to his vocabulary every now and then because Texas
While he looks excellent in a cowboy hat (see the hits list), thus far we’ve seen no evidence that he’s purchased his own cowboy hat. He also doesn’t seem to own a pair of cowboy boots.
Given that Jamie Benn has called him out for his lack of cooking skills, it’s doubtful that Tyler knows how to barbecue or grill anything, two favored pastimes in Texas: “He can’t cook,” Benn said. “I don’t know how he eats. It’s either a steak dinner at my place or Domino’s.” 
Based on an early interview with Bruce Levine on the Stars podcast, Tyler seems pretty unimpressed with Jamie Benn’s music choices, which include (apparently) quite a bit of country.
Bruce Levine: What is Jamie listening to on the way here?
T: A lot of rock and stuff like that. I guess it goes with his long hair and bad beard, so I can understand it.
Bruce Levine: And if you had your way?
T: Probably more hip hop and, you know, definitely [not just only country?].
Tyler, might we suggest some Pat Green? Jack Ingram? Robert Earl Keen? 
We know he’s a fan of “dip cheese” (honest to god, Tyler, it’s literally just the Spanish word for cheese) but we’re not sure how he feels about salsa and hot sauce.
We know fast food is forbidden until the off season, but the people demand proof that Tyler has visited a Whataburger.
Acclimation grade, based on a very strict rubric I’ve just made up in my head: C+. He could certainly do worse, but he could certainly do better. Might I suggest a trip to the rodeo and a selfie with Big Tex?